Unlearning Shame Through Community
By Dillon Mathew Gilmore, LMSW | October 21st, 2026
As humans, we are inherently social creatures. We learn from the people around us, taking social cues on how to interact and treat other people in ways that will keep us connected to one another. It’s a survival skill, a way to keep us alive and thriving. Many of us know this, especially within the queer community, but I think it’s easy to downplay exactly how this can impact us when we are treated poorly for aspects of ourselves that others view as undesirable.
One of the things I discuss most often with my clients is something I learned from my own therapist, based on work by Brené Brown. I ask them, what is the difference between guilt and shame? Guilt gives us the message “I did something wrong” while shame tells us, “I am wrong.” The important difference here is that guilt can be a tool that helps us know when to attempt to repair relationships based on an action we have taken. Shame says that something inherent to who we are is wrong, and possibly in a way that feels irreparable. Often the harm caused in either scenario is unintentional, but shame does not allow us to see it that way.
This concept has been instrumental in my own therapy journey as well as the work I do with clients. It is a way to identify when guilt has become insidious and at times dangerous. I often see it tied to isolation, self-harm, and suicidality. As a therapist who believes in the inherent good in all people, I work with my clients to reframe and shift these internal beliefs, often by using their own values. Most clients I work with would not shun or shame others for the same traits they are so hard on themselves about, and we work together to find a way to bring those feelings of shame into the light. By sharing what we are ashamed of, we lessen the tension and burden of carrying these things alone. That’s one of the many reasons I am supportive of everyone seeking support through therapy, of practicing vulnerability in a safe space.
This is an important concept to consider when working with (or belonging to) queer communities, neurodivergent communities, or any other community that is given the subtle or explicit message that something about who we are is wrong. A lot of social messaging these days is focused on self-care, self-love, being proud of who you are regardless of what others think. This a profoundly beautiful idea and… at times is entirely missing the point. So much of Western messaging tells us to be less of ourselves, to conform. To not need anything, not be too messy, too loud, too weird… too different. When you are shunned by your family and friends, or told you are wrong or strange by the larger society, of course you begin to doubt yourself. It is a privilege to exist in spaces where you are celebrated, or at least not questioned, for your differences.
While self-love can go far, I want to offer a gentle reminder to folks to be kind to yourselves if you feel shy, self-conscious, or ashamed of some parts of yourself. If you feel nervous about asking for help or discussing the parts of yourself that have been kept in the dark for so long. It’s a part of the human experience to question the way we show up and to try to shift or change a little when we make a mistake. However, I also want to remind you that there is nothing wrong with you. If a situation or person is asking you to fundamentally change or shame who are you - it may not be the situation or person for you. My hope is to help you find ways to be the most authentic version of yourself possible, and to assist you in finding/creating spaces and communities where this is possible.
I also want to offer a reminder to those who are pushing people around them to be their authentic selves, that sometimes our nervous systems haven’t learned yet that it is safe to do so. Thank you for being a part of the effort to create those safe spaces, and thank you for your patience with those of us who are still learning to trust safe relationships.
If you are struggling to separate feelings of shame and guilt. If you are seeking someone to listen to you without judgement, please, reach out. We are here to support and celebrate you! Sometimes community and self-love start with therapy.
