How to Get Unstuck in Conflict: A Therapist’s Guide to Healthy Communication

By Forrest Marvin, LMSW | September 22, 2025

Is conflict bad?

It can be scary to have conflict, especially if you’ve had experiences where conflict was violent, dangerous, or hostile.

Sometimes it can feel like you’re stuck in an endless loop of conflict, playing out the same arguments over and over again with someone without ever getting anywhere.

Sometimes, conflict feels like a sign that everything is falling apart. It might seem like there’s no way through, and no matter what you try, it just feels bad. 

Conflict is an important part of intimacy.

When we try to avoid conflict, it might feel like a good thing. “I just want to be easy going, I don’t want to make waves.” But if you spend all your energy trying to avoid conflict, you might find that in the process you’ve also avoided being truly seen and known.

Sometimes your feelings or needs might be challenging for another person to hear. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for you to express them. A conversation feeling difficult is not a sign that the relationship is lost. When we practice having difficult conversations, we build our trust that the relationship is strong enough to survive discomfort or misalignment.

What does “good conflict” look like?

In healthy conflict, it is important to avoid trying to hurt, manipulate, control, or punish one another. Instead, conflict can be an opportunity to express feelings, identify needs, set boundaries, and look for solutions or strategies.

Non-violent Communication (NVC) provides a framework for doing just that.

NVC works well when all people involved in an interaction are committed to relating to each other without coercion or violence. If one person continues to engage in violence emotionally (or otherwise), then the person wishing to engage non-violently may need to create and enforce boundaries that call for more distance - for example, breaking up with a partner, moving out of a roommate situation, going no-contact with a friend, etc. Compromise can’t work unless both parties want solutions. If someone is looking for power or control, they are unlikely to engage in compromise.

Below, I’ll define some basic terms that can help us reframe how we express ourselves in conflict. I’ll follow each definition with a few examples.

First, let’s think about how to start conversations about difficult topics.

OBSERVATIONS - what we are seeing, hearing, or touching. This is different than what meaning-making we might be doing about those observations

I see that the dishes are not done.

I heard you say you agreed to do the dishes before bedtime.

FEELINGS - emotions and sensations, separate from thoughts, stories, or meaning-making

I feel a heaviness in my chest.

I feel scared and sad.

I feel frustrated and overwhelmed.

When we speak from a place of observations and feelings, it’s easier to get on the same page. When we get into meaning making, thoughts, and story-telling, we can start to get wrapped up in blame and shame. Below, I’ll show the difference between these approaches.

Meaning-making and story telling:

You didn’t do the dishes because you don’t care about me. You think it should always be my job, and that my time is less valuable than yours!

Observations and feelings:

I washed the dishes after every meal this week. When I came home and saw dirty dishes in the sink, I felt frustrated and disappointed.

Now, let’s get into some ideas that might help us work through conflict!

NEEDS - basic need required for healthy human function (think Maslow’s hierarchy)

Eating food

Sleeping

Intimacy

STRATEGIES - how a person might like to meet their needs

I want to get take out for dinner.

I want to be in a quiet room with a sound machine on to help me sleep.

I want my best friend to have a meaningful conversation with me.

REQUESTS -  invitations to others to help collaborate with you on meeting needs

Would you split the bill with me if we ordered take out?

Do you mind not watching TV in the same room as me while I try to sleep?

Can you come over to help me process my breakup?

DEMANDS - pressure or insistence on collaboration, an attempt for control, coercive, sometimes threatening or manipulative

You need to make me dinner when I come home, otherwise you’re a bad partner.

You have to turn the TV off so I can sleep.

A real friend would make time for a conversation with me.

COMPROMISE - collaborating on a mutually beneficial strategy

I can’t afford takeout, but you should get some and I’ll have my leftovers.

I’ll sleep in the guest room so that you can watch TV and I can have quiet.

I can’t come over today, but I can see you Wednesday morning when I’ll have more time.

BOUNDARIES - limits to what you will tolerate or do. Boundaries relate to your own self and are not about controlling others.

I won’t tolerate listening to homophobic jokes.

I won’t allow strangers to touch me without asking.

I won’t make last minute plans.

ENFORCEMENT - how will you ensure that your boundaries are protected? Boundary enforcement is about protection of self, not punishment of other. Boundary enforcement looks like “if you ______ then I will ______ to protect myself.”

If you continue to make those kinds of jokes around me, I will choose to not spend time around you anymore. 

If you touch me without asking, I will tell you to stop. If you don’t stop, you will not be welcome in my house any more.

If you reach out to me last minute, I won’t agree to plans.

Sometimes, people will say they’re setting a boundary, when actually they’re making a demand. This might sound something like “my boundary is that you’re not allowed to invite Sara to your birthday party!”

This person wants to control their friend’s actions by demanding that the friend do what they want. The only thing this person actually has total control over is their own actions.

A boundary would sound more like, “I won’t attend events that I know Sara will also be at” or “I won’t speak to Sara if we’re in a shared space.”

Sometimes, people will frame a strategy as a need. This might sound like, “I need you to spend every day with me this weekend.”

Person A wants Person B to spend the weekend with them. But this desire is just one strategy that the person might be using to meet some underlying need. Their need might be social connection, emotional support, or a sense of relational security.

If they identify what their need is, it makes it easier to identify other strategies. If what they actually need is social connection, they could reach out to another friend. If what they need is a sense of relational security, they can tell their Person B that they’ve been feeling a little insecure about the connection. This invites Person B to show up in their own way to care for their friend, without being forced into only one option. Even though this need (relational security) seems like it has to come from Person B, there are other strategies. For example, Person A can join a DBT group, write in their journal, or meet with their therapist.

Progress over perfection

Humans are messy. We might react in ways we’re not proud of in the heat of the moment. It can be healing to admit that we made a mistake, and to see that someone still loves and accepts us. It can be healing to have someone else take accountability for their actions and demonstrate that they care about their impact on us. The tools from NVC are not a manual that you must perfectly follow to avoid ever hurting another person’s feelings. It’s more like a way of understanding our responsibilities to ourselves and to each other, and respecting every person’s dignity and autonomy.